I’ve said NO for 10 years, until I didn’t need to anymore…
F̲A̲C̲T̲S̲ :
10 years ago, at the age of 28, I was diagnosed with 2 autoimmune conditions:
- Lupus
- Antiphospholipid syndrome
That was exactly 10 years after I was diagnosed, at the age of 18, with a lymphatic cancer called Hodgkin disease, that was treated and "healed" over 2 years with classical Surgery, Chemotherapy and Radiotherapy.
U̲N̲D̲E̲R̲C̲U̲R̲R̲E̲N̲T̲ R̲E̲A̲L̲I̲T̲Y̲ :
20 years ago, facing cancer, I had a radical encounter with Death, which resulted in losing any form of control. Terrified, I gave my power away to the medical system. My intimate relationship with matter (my physical body) was broken, mistrusted, betrayed.
I survived, but the trust in my body didn't. It died the day I was so petrified that I decided that the doctors would know better than me what my body says and how to answer it.
10 years later, I was sick again, for what I though was a consequence of having allowed in my body toxic treatments in order to "heal".
Faced to that crucial choice once again, me VS the doctors, I've played the opposite polarity of my previous submission to authority by this time rebelling against it: I said NO to the medication, or better said, I yelled FUCK NO... for 10 years...
I didn't realised until now how exhausting and depleting was to hold such a strong NO.
***
Who are those demonized doctors if not the projected entity of the part of me that controls, that knows, that imposes authority. Equally represented by the part of me that overpower a NO without listening to any other parts of the Self.
The healing process has nothing to do with which treatments is taken, it has to do with the capacity to integrate and collapse the dual perception between the powerless dying victim & the overpowering authority that controls.
Only when both ends of the spectrum are equally reclaimed as one, healing can occur.
To cope with the overwhelming of the terror from sudden encounters with death (which can take various different forms), a split of the psyche is created. Something now can be fought in order to gain power back.
Fighting against a disease doesn't heal
Fighting against doctors doesn't heal neither...
The only way to heal is to collapse the duality that is created through that split, that trauma.
***
A month ago, I had a really brief consultation with a new doctor, a dermatologist. In seeing my rush on my forehead, he recognised directly which autoimmune conditions I was impacted by and demonstrated even more competences than many of the panel of my previous doctors. What I didn't expect, was that not only this doctor had impeccable knowledge (which means "power" in our world), but he also had the capacity to refrain from using it.
Those 5 minutes of consultation could be seen as insignificant in my 20 years of medical history, but it was an actual portal to HEALING.
As all previous doctors, he asked why I was against the medication. I was used to that question, and also used to be invalidated in whatever my answer would be.
This dermatologist not only asked, but he genuinely listened to my answer with openness and understanding.
In response to his non willingness to polarise me, my NO started to shake...
who was I saying NO to?...
what was I saying NO to?...
Why even was I saying NO?..
What is left without this NO?...
Who am I without this NO?...
I felt my armour and my weapons disintegrating...
Nothing and no one was there to be fought anymore...
An entire dual reality collapsed in only 5 minutes consultation!!
That day, I knew it was just a matter of time for this "reset" to vibrate back into my body.
When the triple layers of insulated walls of resistance dementelled within me, I could actually start feeling the YES, not the yes to someone, not the yes to something, but just the YES, the Life force.
A month later, in the middle of the Shamanic Womb Journey, on the "Crone" day, it dropped suddenly: my body was a YES to taking the medication, the same one that my mind perceived being a poison for over a decade.
I was stunned!
***
The poison isn't the drug, the poison is the split!
It can take form either through resistance or through giving up.
When the split crumbles, Life is there and inhabit whatever choice is made.
Therefore, today, after having said NO for 10 years, I have finally said YES, not because I'm scared to die, not because I'm feeling overpowered, just because I'm feeling Life vibrating in my body, my body is open to the life quality under the form of this drug.
After 20 years of relationship with death and sickness, I feel the tremor of the vastness of possibilities of a clear sky opening to me!
Happy Eclipse Full Blood Moon in Scorpio!!
May 26th 2021