The awakening of the heart

The whole human experience is ultimately one of remembering Love.

It operates in cycles of experimentations and insights. Wisdom lands as a living knowing at the very end of every cycle. Any knowings during one cycle are a potential bypass of the x amount of other experiences yet needed for the consciousness of love to upgrade.

I’m writing those words on the other end of a cycle that came to completion last November (2022). Since then, I journey in the vulnerability of this unknown reality after a radical awakening of the heart. A quality of God’s Love entered my heart in a very personal way, which seems to have radically shifted my way to relate. It is as if the endless hole in my heart that I’ve tried filling up with self-love, relationships, sex and chocolate is now filled by God’s love, and it seems that nothing can ever be the same.

From that place, here is a frame of my understanding of the various cycles of love consciousness expressed through relationships/sex.

We were born as pure Love, therefore at our core we know Love. Though very early we realise that this quality of Love isn’t reflected back to us or into the world, hence we start doubting and rejecting the reality of Love, and adopting transactional and manipulative love.

Why majority of adults do not transmit the same free giving quality of pure love that majority of kids do so naturally?
Because they have forgotten! Their hearts closed to the disillusion of a world of separation that does not have Love at its core.

It is one thing to incarnate and be love as a child, it is another thing to walk the path of remembering of Love as an adult. It requires a lot of courage for the human heart to mature and remember its highest qualities, because it is overwhelming to feel that much. The heart needs to be given to actually remember Love fully. And here comes one of the biggest misunderstandings of human’s relating.

“I want know what love is, I want you to show me
I want to feel what love is, I know you can show me”

The heart has to be given, but not horizontally, to someone, but vertically, to God. 

Because, the heart awakens through a dose of disillusions and heartbreaks of the many times we realise that this horizontal world isn’t reflecting the Love we know at our core, but not only! Most and foremost, it awakens by the grace and Love of God, that reminds you that YOU MATTER, regardless of anything you could potentially do to deserve that Love.

At that moment there is no longer need to do anything in order to get some crumbles of love here and there. At that moment, you kneel in redemption while simultaneously being bathed in love and you look back to your whole life to realise that you have been a disguised beggar that has betrayed love to get enough of it to feel worthy.

Let me come back to the children/adults capacity to be/remember love and express a radical truth here:

Children and parents can only be teachers for one other if the parents have fully awaken their heart.
If the parents didn’t walk themselves the path of the heart then the only teachers are the children until their own hearts eventually close too.

Children hold the transmission of pure Love as they just recently incarnated from oneness. That’s why it is almost impossible not to be touched by a child (unless the heart’s armors have strongly calcified).

Adults, when they hearts has awaken, hold the wisdom of the heart that has been given to love (and not to their child  smothering).

Therefore, an adult that has walked the path of Love will be an incredible parent or care-taker to a child that will sooner or later be confronted to their first disillusion of love, crucial moments where the heart starts to close and develop armors.
How do we teach to a child not to close off their heart if not by being a living example of love.

I’m turning 40 this year and life hasn’t given me a child so far. Honestly, the more my heart awakens and the more I’m grateful the child didn’t come through since I first start calling it in at 27. My body wanted, my consciousness didn’t, so I thought the result of this inner conflict was that the child was not coming. Reality is that actually, my heart wasn’t ready to be the Love that a new born soul could be entirely supported by.

Now, how does the awakening of the heart apply to sex and relationships?

When the heart is closed or protected it constantly trades love by all means. In fact, regardless of how much a heart has shot down, lives at its core a hidden flame of longing to remember love. Though, the vulnerability to open to the helplessness of it makes it unbearable to feel and shuts it down, transforming the longing into a hidden despair.

But let’s start by our first love with a peer, so already after the disillusion of the love of our parents and the love of God. The heart is already armored, but resilience is easier in the younger stages of love disillusion.

First love, first heart break, one of the most terrible pains for a young teen that lost any reference point of love in their parents, in God, has packed all their love in a beloved for eternity and that ends up falling too.

My first heart break at 16 lead me for the only time in my life to act upon the rapture of Thanatos and an attempt to take my life.

More or less at the same period of our first love experience, sexuality come be part of a total new game. In terms of trade, when sex, power and money enter the game, you know that you’re playing bigger!

Once again the imprint of those first experiences of heart break and sexual initiation will have a great deal of influence on which direction one will take, and what challenges will show up for you to awaken your heart.

My personal experience has been that from my first love (15 yo) until my Saturn return (27 yo) I was in monogamist relationships, not because I chose to be, but because I didn’t know anything else was an option.

As a result of not choosing love but trading love, I cheated on all my partners multiple times, except for one. This is the one time where you tell yourself things will be different now, but you are secretly orchestrating the most painful heart break for potentially break through.

I was 23, had eyes only for him, he ended up cheating on me for months with my best friend before they left to be together, which closed off my heart even more – I had the heart break, not the break through though!

At 27, it was the beginning of one of those cycles of remembering love. A radical shift occurred as I landed in a tantric community where open relating was introduced to me. No more cheating, no more dishonesty around the fact that my desires were like a pressure cooker, killing me from inside, needing to be explored. Seems like paradise for the sex center, it is torture for the heart!

Sexuality has been for over a decade my strongest currency for trading love. And polyamorous tantric community are the best ever fields to spiritually bypass the concept of love through self-convincing that we love more because we transcend attachment.
Of course, with my desires overtaking my heart longing, the result was more harm and armors around my heart.

This cycle has shown signs of completion over the past years but has definitely completed in November with the love of God penetrating my heart and awakening me to a quality of love I have never felt before.

Consequently, radical shifts occurred effortlessly since.

I ended a lovership that wasn’t matching the level of love I was experiencing through the love of God in my heart. That commandment was stronger that my little girl tears of not seeing her friend anymore and of my animal that was deadly attracted by this man and just want to spend a life time making love with him. Those would have been enough in the past to succumb and stay in a relation that isn’t matching my heart longing.

It seems that this cycle is one of Marriage. Deep inside, I feel now ready for marriage without really knowing what it actually means. I feel like walking on new lands… Even though the appearance is to be less sexually open, I don’t feel closed to love, on the contrary, I feel so widely open, though the outer must match the inner infinite love I’m experiencing through the love of God, otherwise it only feels like an insulte to love.

When the heart truely awaken, it looks at the harm caused by the oversexualisation and/or any other trade/betrayals of love, and it washes it by instant forgiveness... This love isn’t a love that is seeked through sexual or romantic partners, nor anything from the outer, but a love that fulfilled from inside regardless of whether or not someone’s sharing your life or your bed.

When the heart truely opens, devotion becomes its expression and your sex is contained in pure sacredness, either only with God or within a sacred container that is in devotion to Love.

When the heart awakens, sexuality automatically serves the heart in pure devotion and no longer it possibly compromise with it by allowing in anything less than that highest quality of love.

February 2023